Wow, so nice to be back!
Quite a bit has happened since my last post.
I am a working woman! It has been 6 weeks now and I love it. I work for a government department, get paid A LOT (6 thank you very much), the people are great, I have to complete a time sheet and I get 1 day off a month and I am only allowed to work a maximum of 8hrs a day for 19 days out of every 20! You get told off if you work longer because you should have a work life balance. There is already a promotion in the pipeline for me and I am loving it.
Life is pretty great. Sure, I have had the flu, asthma and viral meningitis in the last 3months but it hasn't worried me too much mentally.
I am totally over men and I just don't care. I can't deal with men that have anger management issues at all, CYA, and I am not missing sex at all. As you know, I have toys if required but it just isn't a priority. I can have it anytime I like though, with a couple of 'friends' so I guess that is why I don't care.
Family is all good. I am still on the edge with my pa but since his attack on me, he has backed off a lot.
Psychologically, I am feeling good. I don't feel amazing but I don't feel down yet I don't feel flat line either. This is a good thing. Work is helping with that, as is paying bills again without having to worry at all.
I am a super model. Well, sort of. I am now one of the faces of a fabulous online fashion store www.styleandsubstance.com.au. I am doing a wedding photo shoot on Sunday which is going to be a hoot. You couldn't pay me enough to have a real wedding and wear a wedding dress for anything else but a photo shoot so this is an amazing opportunity for me.
The weight loss journey has been on hold for now. I haven't been in the right head space but I do plan on getting back on track in the next few weeks.
That is about it for now. I will be posting more regular updates.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Interesting - Original post date March 21 2010
Diva has had a rather interesting time of late. Still without a job but so very grateful that I have savings to assist me. Amazing what a single woman can save and how much money she has when an ‘it’ isn’t using her money to pay for his debt, presents for his slut or visits to his prostitute!
It has been good that I have been made to spend some time reflecting. I need to set priorities in my life and set standards and not settle for anything less that the best. I can’t be concerned about hurting somebody else because I only hurt myself in the long run. For a woman who likes to be in control, and is so strong and ‘intimidating’ (yes, I have been told I am intimidating), I have trouble saying no, or speaking my mind if it may hurt somebody even though it may be the best thing for me. Still a people pleaser which only gets me hurt.
I have found out that I may be able to find another career in the field of PORN! Yes that is right ladies and gents. Diva has been told that she is sexy and could make money as a fat porn model or as they like to call it BBW Porn pics. I can always turn my Diva blog into an adult fiction site. Who knows what the future might bring. There is a gorgeous lady who is around twice my size who makes USD$300 squashing men. Yep, she sits on them and they pay her. She doesn’t go beyond the squashing but other women in this industry do more and are paid A LOT more than that. Career possibilities are endless people. I keep getting told this but this really wasn’t what I had in mind!
I still haven’t resumed phone conversations yet or conversations in person unless really necessary. The break has been refreshing, but it is time for me to get back into it again. I will attempt that this week.
I have had quite a bit of time to contemplate things other than myself though like morning television. I have found a fabulous morning show but they still have the infomercials. They are doing my head in. I can swing my abs away, dance my fat away, cook myself great food, chop onions without crying and if they don’t please me, I can buy funeral insurance and kill myself in 12mths (they only pay on accident in the first 12mths). I may just do it but I will get my professional photographs taken first and have the crap photo shopped out of them so I look like a porn star. Hey, it’s where a lot of my money went to when I was with ‘it’ so it will be my homage to my past.
It has been good that I have been made to spend some time reflecting. I need to set priorities in my life and set standards and not settle for anything less that the best. I can’t be concerned about hurting somebody else because I only hurt myself in the long run. For a woman who likes to be in control, and is so strong and ‘intimidating’ (yes, I have been told I am intimidating), I have trouble saying no, or speaking my mind if it may hurt somebody even though it may be the best thing for me. Still a people pleaser which only gets me hurt.
I have found out that I may be able to find another career in the field of PORN! Yes that is right ladies and gents. Diva has been told that she is sexy and could make money as a fat porn model or as they like to call it BBW Porn pics. I can always turn my Diva blog into an adult fiction site. Who knows what the future might bring. There is a gorgeous lady who is around twice my size who makes USD$300 squashing men. Yep, she sits on them and they pay her. She doesn’t go beyond the squashing but other women in this industry do more and are paid A LOT more than that. Career possibilities are endless people. I keep getting told this but this really wasn’t what I had in mind!
I still haven’t resumed phone conversations yet or conversations in person unless really necessary. The break has been refreshing, but it is time for me to get back into it again. I will attempt that this week.
I have had quite a bit of time to contemplate things other than myself though like morning television. I have found a fabulous morning show but they still have the infomercials. They are doing my head in. I can swing my abs away, dance my fat away, cook myself great food, chop onions without crying and if they don’t please me, I can buy funeral insurance and kill myself in 12mths (they only pay on accident in the first 12mths). I may just do it but I will get my professional photographs taken first and have the crap photo shopped out of them so I look like a porn star. Hey, it’s where a lot of my money went to when I was with ‘it’ so it will be my homage to my past.
Birthday Realisations - March 2 2010
So I had my 39th birthday. It was possibly one of the worst on record. My father started verbally attacking me the night before so it was like kicking a person while they were down. It brought up a lot of emotions about the past decisions I had to make which then brought up quite a bit of regret and then extreme guilt. As per usual, I retreat into myself to protect myself from going completely insane so that means I can't answer the phone or the door. Emails and text messages are even difficult.
Anyway....enough about that.
I have been doing some thinking regarding my life and yes that has to include my weight because while I don't have a problem with my size, a lot of my personal struggles result in my weight problems. My plan is to lose 40kg's by my 40th birthday. This goal is more about me dealing with my personal issues and less about losing weight but since one leads to the other, making the weight loss a goal is easy. It is easy to say lose 40kg's in 12mths rather than I will rid myself of my emotional issues by my 40th. I have determined the following things which I need to change in my life.
I don't feel that I desesrve the best so I settle or allow myself to be pushed aside. By being fat, good things are pushed aside without me having to make that conscious admittion that I don't desesrve anything better.
I'm not a good person. Not a good friend, sister, daughter, aunt, partner, employee. I can't handle the fact that I am not good enough so being fat is an external reason for this rather than me personally which is an attack on my very being.
I need to be in control because I feel I need to or because I am told to. If I don't have an outlet to lose control, my emotions end up being sacrificed. As a kid I was told in school reports etc that I was too emotional, too dramatic, and expressing emotion was seen as bad so I learnt to hold things in and allow my body to get out of control. I don't control my food or exercise so that is my pressure valve release. Last time I lost a lot of weight was when I was out of control and having a lot of random sex, drinking, pill popping and I was also happy. I felt free from responsibility except for myself and I am a big girl that can look after herself. My emotions were in check until I found 'it' and because he was emotionally fucked up, I took control of him to fix him. My emotions had to be in check and so I lost control of my body again.
I need to find a way to direct my emotions, be able to accept that I do desesrve nothing but the best, and it is ok to look after me and by looking after me I can then be a better person to everyone around me. The next 12mths will be Diva focused. I can only focus on my needs and sadly that will mean a lot of friends will end up being disappointed in me I would imagine. Of course, if a friend or family member is in trouble and needs my help, I will be there, but I can't be there and ignore my own needs. This is selfish I admit, but I must do this if I want to have a happy life and fulfill my dreams.
I have a feeling that the universe may be starting to answer my call. I have 'met' a new person who has a similar belief in the universe that I am wanting to desperately to embrace, and I think that I may now have at least a mentor to assist me in my life learnings so I can get my life back
Anyway....enough about that.
I have been doing some thinking regarding my life and yes that has to include my weight because while I don't have a problem with my size, a lot of my personal struggles result in my weight problems. My plan is to lose 40kg's by my 40th birthday. This goal is more about me dealing with my personal issues and less about losing weight but since one leads to the other, making the weight loss a goal is easy. It is easy to say lose 40kg's in 12mths rather than I will rid myself of my emotional issues by my 40th. I have determined the following things which I need to change in my life.
I don't feel that I desesrve the best so I settle or allow myself to be pushed aside. By being fat, good things are pushed aside without me having to make that conscious admittion that I don't desesrve anything better.
I'm not a good person. Not a good friend, sister, daughter, aunt, partner, employee. I can't handle the fact that I am not good enough so being fat is an external reason for this rather than me personally which is an attack on my very being.
I need to be in control because I feel I need to or because I am told to. If I don't have an outlet to lose control, my emotions end up being sacrificed. As a kid I was told in school reports etc that I was too emotional, too dramatic, and expressing emotion was seen as bad so I learnt to hold things in and allow my body to get out of control. I don't control my food or exercise so that is my pressure valve release. Last time I lost a lot of weight was when I was out of control and having a lot of random sex, drinking, pill popping and I was also happy. I felt free from responsibility except for myself and I am a big girl that can look after herself. My emotions were in check until I found 'it' and because he was emotionally fucked up, I took control of him to fix him. My emotions had to be in check and so I lost control of my body again.
I need to find a way to direct my emotions, be able to accept that I do desesrve nothing but the best, and it is ok to look after me and by looking after me I can then be a better person to everyone around me. The next 12mths will be Diva focused. I can only focus on my needs and sadly that will mean a lot of friends will end up being disappointed in me I would imagine. Of course, if a friend or family member is in trouble and needs my help, I will be there, but I can't be there and ignore my own needs. This is selfish I admit, but I must do this if I want to have a happy life and fulfill my dreams.
I have a feeling that the universe may be starting to answer my call. I have 'met' a new person who has a similar belief in the universe that I am wanting to desperately to embrace, and I think that I may now have at least a mentor to assist me in my life learnings so I can get my life back
My Luck Had Better Bloody Change Or Else
I pulled apart a whole cooked chicken last night and the lucky part if the wishbone stayed with the chook! How is the chook lucky? I refuse to lose my luck to a dead chicken this year! Yes you can substitute dead chicken with fuckstick, asshole, fluff bunny, bimbo etc.
I Own My Feelings So Don't Analyse Them - Original post date January 2 2010
Why is it when a gorgeous man or woman of the larger persuasion is happy it is assumed they are covering up for the fact they are miserable about their weight or that they are trying to make others laugh so that they laugh with us not at us?
Why is it when the larger community are sad it is because they hate themselves and the size they are?
Yes there are times when I feel down because I am having body issues, but don't 99% of women have body issues at some stage? Even if somebody is a size 8?
There are times when I am just funny because I am me and aren't there skinny people that are funny too?
Why can't I just be happy or be sad because am human????
Why is it when the larger community are sad it is because they hate themselves and the size they are?
Yes there are times when I feel down because I am having body issues, but don't 99% of women have body issues at some stage? Even if somebody is a size 8?
There are times when I am just funny because I am me and aren't there skinny people that are funny too?
Why can't I just be happy or be sad because am human????
Happy 2010 and Lessons Learnt regarding Ring Tones - Original post date January 1 2010
What a way to see out the old and bring in the new. I won’t go into too many details however I will mention that DC was over for dinner, which I cooked and it was awesome, and a sleep over.
I have already learnt one thing this year, and I learnt it before midday. I have certain ring tones for certain people so I can have an idea of who is calling. EG, Bruce, Tongs and other said special friends have the ring tone ‘Pop, goes my heart’. Such a daggy song but hilarious and it makes m smile hence, I have assigned that to the special people in my life. DC has ‘Baby did a bad bad thing, and family have ‘We are Family’. The thing that now concerns me is the family ring tone.
Whilst DC and I were getting ‘jiggy with it’ this morning, my phone starts playing ‘We are Family’. It was my father calling. Seriously, not sure if DC heard the actual song or just the noise, but it can kinda kill a mood. Almost as bad as if a family member walked in on us. I almost felt guilty but that guilt soon went away but still, I am changing my ring tone and putting family back onto a ringtone I assign to the normal every day public. Good grief.
I have already learnt one thing this year, and I learnt it before midday. I have certain ring tones for certain people so I can have an idea of who is calling. EG, Bruce, Tongs and other said special friends have the ring tone ‘Pop, goes my heart’. Such a daggy song but hilarious and it makes m smile hence, I have assigned that to the special people in my life. DC has ‘Baby did a bad bad thing, and family have ‘We are Family’. The thing that now concerns me is the family ring tone.
Whilst DC and I were getting ‘jiggy with it’ this morning, my phone starts playing ‘We are Family’. It was my father calling. Seriously, not sure if DC heard the actual song or just the noise, but it can kinda kill a mood. Almost as bad as if a family member walked in on us. I almost felt guilty but that guilt soon went away but still, I am changing my ring tone and putting family back onto a ringtone I assign to the normal every day public. Good grief.
How Has This Year Helped Me Achieve My Goals? - Original post date December 29 2009
My plan over the next few days is to re-read all of my posts and work out what I can learn from my experiences this year. There have been some posts which have been just random thoughts which tells me firstly, that I am a bit of a nutter, but secondly, I have quite a bit of creative stuff happening in my head and I need a creative out let for it.
The other posts, I can’t recall in great detail at this time. I need to work out what I can do next year to get to my 40th goal of being the real me. Living my true existence and not one that I create to fit in, not fit in, be loved, be hated, be sad, be happy. I want to be ME.
I turn 39 on the 26th Feb and as my penultimate year before my new life at 40 begins, I want to have a plan in place. Ah yes, I want to control what happens.
In this case, I need to control some things because otherwise I won’t achieve my goals. On the other hand, I need to allow things to just happen or allow others to take the reins at times. I need to learn to allow others to take control in order to be truly free and find the real me.
When I have worked out what I have learnt, I will post here and then I will post my plan.
2010 and my 39th year will be my most exciting year yet!
The other posts, I can’t recall in great detail at this time. I need to work out what I can do next year to get to my 40th goal of being the real me. Living my true existence and not one that I create to fit in, not fit in, be loved, be hated, be sad, be happy. I want to be ME.
I turn 39 on the 26th Feb and as my penultimate year before my new life at 40 begins, I want to have a plan in place. Ah yes, I want to control what happens.
In this case, I need to control some things because otherwise I won’t achieve my goals. On the other hand, I need to allow things to just happen or allow others to take the reins at times. I need to learn to allow others to take control in order to be truly free and find the real me.
When I have worked out what I have learnt, I will post here and then I will post my plan.
2010 and my 39th year will be my most exciting year yet!
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