So I had my 39th birthday. It was possibly one of the worst on record. My father started verbally attacking me the night before so it was like kicking a person while they were down. It brought up a lot of emotions about the past decisions I had to make which then brought up quite a bit of regret and then extreme guilt. As per usual, I retreat into myself to protect myself from going completely insane so that means I can't answer the phone or the door. Emails and text messages are even difficult.
Anyway....enough about that.
I have been doing some thinking regarding my life and yes that has to include my weight because while I don't have a problem with my size, a lot of my personal struggles result in my weight problems. My plan is to lose 40kg's by my 40th birthday. This goal is more about me dealing with my personal issues and less about losing weight but since one leads to the other, making the weight loss a goal is easy. It is easy to say lose 40kg's in 12mths rather than I will rid myself of my emotional issues by my 40th. I have determined the following things which I need to change in my life.
I don't feel that I desesrve the best so I settle or allow myself to be pushed aside. By being fat, good things are pushed aside without me having to make that conscious admittion that I don't desesrve anything better.
I'm not a good person. Not a good friend, sister, daughter, aunt, partner, employee. I can't handle the fact that I am not good enough so being fat is an external reason for this rather than me personally which is an attack on my very being.
I need to be in control because I feel I need to or because I am told to. If I don't have an outlet to lose control, my emotions end up being sacrificed. As a kid I was told in school reports etc that I was too emotional, too dramatic, and expressing emotion was seen as bad so I learnt to hold things in and allow my body to get out of control. I don't control my food or exercise so that is my pressure valve release. Last time I lost a lot of weight was when I was out of control and having a lot of random sex, drinking, pill popping and I was also happy. I felt free from responsibility except for myself and I am a big girl that can look after herself. My emotions were in check until I found 'it' and because he was emotionally fucked up, I took control of him to fix him. My emotions had to be in check and so I lost control of my body again.
I need to find a way to direct my emotions, be able to accept that I do desesrve nothing but the best, and it is ok to look after me and by looking after me I can then be a better person to everyone around me. The next 12mths will be Diva focused. I can only focus on my needs and sadly that will mean a lot of friends will end up being disappointed in me I would imagine. Of course, if a friend or family member is in trouble and needs my help, I will be there, but I can't be there and ignore my own needs. This is selfish I admit, but I must do this if I want to have a happy life and fulfill my dreams.
I have a feeling that the universe may be starting to answer my call. I have 'met' a new person who has a similar belief in the universe that I am wanting to desperately to embrace, and I think that I may now have at least a mentor to assist me in my life learnings so I can get my life back
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