Diva Is Sad Confused Blah Blah Blah - Original post date September 4 2008

Diva had a sad day today, but I won't go into details but that was on top of a really odd feeling which I don't like at all.

I decided I needed to chat to MCop without distractions so the bedroom, lounge room, bathroom...you get my drift, were all out so we chatted over dinner at a restaurant.

I needed to clarify that I really couldn't do an emotionally involved relationship at the moment. I just don't know what I would do if my heart got broken again so soon. He said, as he did the other night, that he hoped I catch up to him soon, but he could do the 'just sex' thing. There was one condition though, and that was we had to spend less time getting to know each other and more time having sex. Yes, I gave in. I got into work very late this morning and had 'shagged within an inch of my life' hair. It was what I needed. He actually said he didn't want me to go to work. (sorry friends)....He said he wanted to worship me all day. I reluctantly went to work.

I know I am a little more emotional at the moment and I need a friend hug big time, but I really felt weird, confused, hurt, odd.... Blondie summed it up well. I was the one in control before. I had him by the short and curlies. He was emotionally attached (or so he said) and I could play with him all I liked. Now that we are both just for the sex, we are on an even playing field and I am no longer in control. I now feel vulnerable and I hate that. I think this also means that perhaps I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't emotionally attached when in actual fact I was but, in control.

Why does my brain have to over analyse everything? Why can't I just run with it and enjoy the ride?

I have said that I have never been into the friends with benefits thing. This isn't even starting with friends and it feels just way too wrong. I like the benefits but it is the benefits which hands your heart over and takes no responsibility for what happens to it.

I am going to let this week end and see how I go. I don't actually want to see him next week. I don't like the idea of not spending time getting to know each other. I really think this may mean I am getting attached even though we have absolutely nothing in common except I wanted to kiss a cop and he is one.